Ep #45: Part 2: The 5 Stages of Cancer Grief: Anger

Today’s episode is a part 2 in a 5-part series called The 5 Stages of Cancer Grief, and today’s segment is all about Anger. Research is now showing that suppressed anger is a contributor to cancer, and that it can affect the progression of the disease. Our culture has socialized women not to feel or express anger, so chances are you don’t quite know how to deal with your anger. I’ll teach you how to identify and cope with anger, and help you process your anger in a constructive way.

What You’ll Learn From this Episode:

+  The research linking the suppression of anger with cancer

+  The research linking the suppression of anger with cancer

+  Healthy ways to deal with your anger

+  My own personal favorite ancient way to deal with anger

+  Truth & Dare Quote: Anger, and suppressed emotions in general, go beyond just your lifetime; they are also passed down the ancestral family lineage.

Featured on the Show:

+  Episode TDC #35: The 5 Stages of Cancer Grief

+  Episode TDC #44: Part 1: The 5 Stages of Cancer Grief: Denial

+  Episode TDC #17: Dr. Marie Rodriguez on Healing Ancestral Trauma

+  Book On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross

+  If you need help grappling with these 5 stages of cancer grief, or you entered the acceptance stage but not sure how to move forward, join the DARE Cancer waitlist, my structured online coaching community where I’ll teach you how to reach your highest healing potential.

+   WANT TO CREATE A LIFE YOU DESERVE? Whether your goal is to get healthy, change careers, improve relationships, focus on self-care… You can create whatever you desire. If you need help figuring it out, it's time for private coaching, no more waiting for Monday.

+  Join the Truth & Dare Cancer Facebook Community. It’s a safe space where I and lots of other like-minded women with cancer hang out and share our stories, struggles, tips, and support.

+  I’d love to hear your perspective and thoughts about the conceptual cancer topic – just tag me on Facebook or Instagram @truthanddarecancer handle

Full Episode Transcript:

Welcome to Truth & Dare Cancer, the only podcast that teaches you how to supercharge your self-healer, navigate fear and recalibrate your life by using cancer as a powerful catalyst for change. On this show, we get real about all things cancer. And now here’s your host, cancer survivor, mathematician and certified life coach, Ceca Mijatovic. Hello and welcome back! You are listening to the episode number 45 of the Truth & Dare Cancer Podcast. If you have not yet done so please subscribe to us on Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcast, and like us on Facebook. Just use @truthanddarecancer handle on Facebook, Instagram, and other social platforms. To access the show notes for this episode go to truthanddarecancer.com/podcast and select episode number 45. I’m your host Ceca Mijatovic and today we are diving into part 2 of a 5-part series on how to embrace the 5 Stages of Cancer Grief. Last week we talked about the first stage of grief, denial. Denial is essentially a coping mechanism for you - and your loved ones. Your brain uses denial to only accept and process small amounts of overwhelming emotion at once. In other words: denial is completely normal when you deal with it in a healthy way. Tune in to last episode number 44 to learn more about denial. Today we’re talking about ANGER. First of all, remember that the stages of grief do not necessarily progress in a linear fashion (though for some people, they might). So you might feel denial at all different points in your cancer journey, and you also might feel anger at all different points in your cancer journey. It’s worth noting that your loved ones are likely to encounter these emotions at different times than you. So even if you’re not experiencing anger right now (or think you’re not), it’s worth listening in to get some coping strategies for when you are. For centuries, it has not been safe for women to express anger because we live in a patriarchal culture. Still today, our culture has socialized women not to feel or express anger. We are told to be nice, to be a “good girl,” to smile, to let it go, and lots of other euphemisms for “it’s not okay for you to be angry.” Research is now showing that unexpressed anger is a major contributor to cancer. (This dovetails with the research I discussed around denial - high instances of denial, and/or high instances of unexpressed anger - are both precursors and correlates to developing cancer.) One study found that extreme suppression of anger was the most commonly identified characteristic among breast cancer patients. Another study followed 729 people over 12 years and found a 70% increase in cancer deaths for those with high levels of suppressing emotions. And finally, a University of Michigan study found that suppression of anger predicted earlier mortality in women and men. Other studies have noted extremely low anger scores in patients with cancer - these scores are so low that researchers concluded these people are repressing or suppressing their anger. So how does this work biologically? When you suppress toxic emotions, such as anger, it increases your levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Elevated cortisol, in turn, suppresses your immune system. And when your immune system isn’t working properly, it’s possible for normal cells to mutate into cancer cells. If this is resonating with you, don’t be angry at yourself! Learning this information is an invitation to start doing things differently. Mark Twain once said that “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” In the 1970s there was a series of commercials selling oil filters for cars. A mechanic showed viewers that you could replace a $4 oil filter for your automobile now - or you could wait and repair your car for $200 when it broke down. “You can pay me now, or you can pay me later,” he says, “but you’re going to pay me.” This is so true in our emotional life. You can deal with anger now, or you can deal with the consequences of repressed anger down the line. And when I say down the line, anger, and suppressed emotions in general, go beyond just your lifetime. They are also passed down the ancestral family lineage. Unresolved ancestral trauma within a family system can carry down from generation to generation until it gets resolved within that family system. Studies show that this type of trauma has a deeply rooted effect on our mental and physical health. I talked more about this with Dr. Marie Rodriguez on Healing Ancestral Trauma in episode number 17, also linked in today’s show notes. Here the deal: Anger is a normal and appropriate emotional response when our boundaries are crossed when something is wrong in the world or in our relationships. What we don’t typically see in our culture is people handling anger in a constructive way. You don’t need to lash out, yell and shout, or otherwise act out your anger on unsuspecting loved ones. As a quick aside: Lashing out CAN be appropriate if your boundaries are crossed. For example: if a stranger touches you inappropriately on the subway, an appropriate response would be to shout, “STOP!” In this case, using anger as a tool to lash out and to protect yourself from an inappropriate action is warranted and healthy. In other cases, like experiencing anger when you are grieving or facing cancer diagnosis and treatment, other behaviors can help you process your anger in a constructive way. The first thing to do is to recognize that what you are feeling is anger. You can label it for yourself: “I am feeling angry.” If you are picking a fight or shouting at a loved one, you can stop yourself and simply say, “I am feeling really angry right now. I’m going to walk away and process this.” Next: tune in to your body and notice how anger feels. What physical sensations accompany anger? Detach from the litany of thoughts that may be going through your mind, and simply witness how anger feels in your physical body. When you are able to experience emotion this way, detaching from thoughts and noticing physical sensations, you will find that the emotion itself actually dissipates quite quickly. (Of course, it might be back in a few minutes, but experiencing emotion like this is like surfing waves in the ocean, or like experiencing contractions in labor. There’s a short period of very intense sensation, then a respite.) If you typically suppress your anger, it may be difficult for you to acknowledge your anger at all - so practice that initial step. If you often feel anger, anger may have become a shortcut for you to avoid feeling other painful emotions, like fear or sadness. Ask yourself: are there any other feelings underneath this anger? Other safe ways to express your anger include: Set a timer for 10 minutes and write out all the reasons you are angry. Write in all caps, curse, blame everyone, rail at God - whatever you want to do. When the 10 minutes are up, burn the paper. Don’t even reread it. Just burn it. This will help you learn to accept your anger and move through it safely without stuffing it down. Do a physical activity when you’re feeling angry - go for a run, beat a punching bag. Yell as loud as you can in a car or a private room. Consider working with a therapist, coach or counselor. Once you open up to feeling angry, you may find that you have a lot of unprocessed anger stored up in your body that keeps surfacing. It can help to have a professional help you unpack this. Here’s one more way to express anger that I actually use a lot. In the Hindu religion, there is a ritual to release anger that involves breaking a coconut. I go to the store and buy a few whole coconuts. (A natural grocery store often carries them.) The bottom looks roughly like a human face. Breaking a coconut allows us to release a burden, allows whatever anger you’re holding to flow apart. By putting your physical energy into the motion to smash the coconut *and* seeing it break and come to pieces, emotionally loosens things up in the body. Right before Christmas, as I was working on the winter launch for DARE Cancer program and preparing for two weeks of rest time, some of my tests came back abnormal and I had to get a CT scan to find out whether my cancer was coming back. I just wanted two weeks of rest without having cancer in the back of my mind. Just a two-week respite! Then I could deal with anything! It was so frustrating that I had to wait for the results until after the holiday!? So I was like, ok, let’s go to the store and get me some coconuts!! I went and got some coconuts and threw them until they broke, as a way to deal with my anger and frustration. It felt soooo good! Well-meaning people often tell cancer patients to be positive. But the truth is that everyone copes with negative feelings, and cancer gives us LOTS of opportunities to deal with negative emotions!! The key is to process these emotions instead of stuffing them down or putting on a ‘stiff upper lip.’ If you need help grappling with these 5 stages of cancer grief, or you entered the acceptance stage but not sure how to move forward, join the DARE Cancer waitlist, my structured online coaching community where I’ll teach you how to process these emotions and reach your highest healing potential. Go to http://darecancer.com/, enter your name and email, and you’ll be notified when the spring enrollment opens up. Let’s recap: Research shows that suppressed anger is related to cancer diagnosis and the progression of the disease. Anger is a completely normal emotion and you will most likely experience it during your cancer journey (more than once!). When you deal with anger in a healthy way, you process and release it from your system. Be sure to tune in next week, when we’ll be diving into the third stage of grief: bargaining. Tune in to your anger and listen to what it’s telling you. It has a message for you that can help you heal. If you got value from this episode and know someone else that would get value from it as well, please share it with them. And in the meantime, I dare you to find the truth in your cancer! Thanks for tuning in. If you want to stop identifying with your cancer, you can download a free “You Are Not Your Cancer” guide at www.truthanddarecancer.com/podcastfreeguide.

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